Saturday, March 05, 2011

Alone

I'm sittin alone on a bench outside my hostel and it is on moments like these that I feel life, with all it's sorrows and happiness, can't get lonelier or more peaceful. There is no one to talk and no one for company. All I have right now are a bunch of pesky mosquitoes and an iPod.
I wanna just talk. Talk somemore. I haven't has a decent conversation in so long that I can't remember the last time I did. It's almost like except for my mother no one wants to really know what's up in my life! Ironically almost everyone on this campus asks me that when they see me. Life.

Shivani Saksena
sent from my iPod

Saturday, February 05, 2011

Battle of the emotions

Emotions are powerful, that we all have heard. But to experience it the sheer strength of the emotion and realise its power is quite another. At least for me it has been.
The past few weeks I experienced jealousy and hatred and like each time that I experience the mix of these two, I stand in awe of it. One side of my brain shows me the rationality of all the literature that sugested that negativity has in it the power to overcome the strongest of person-Osho, Sri Aurobindo and the like. The other side pulls me to further explore the realms of this dark side and feel a new wave of power and its accompanying attitude.
The triggers of the situation will never see light on this portal(they stay locked in safer media) but the experience obviously has me using my head to word it out.
Women, history suggests, are women's worsr enemies. As I grow out of my utopian ideals and experience for myself situations where earlier I would scorn others for having reacted in a way, I am reacting thus. Pitiful. But life.

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Rusty ol' me

So yours truly has decided that life needs a facelift. I need loads of other things but one has to start somewhere. So I have restarted two previously integral parts of my life: physical fitness and public speaking.
The former is currently being pursued by using the well stocked gym that XL offers. I haven't had much time to devote to it or my self lately. Then a few events triggered a major need for revamp. Step in my resolve to go to the gym. On day1, I use the treadmill, I use the stepper, I do some floor exercises and rusty, flabby me gets all sweaty and exhausted! Sheer mortification overtakes me as I realise that I have indeed lost my agility and flexibility.
There is another side to this tale. The public speaking bit. I participated in a debate after 5long years. Oh boy am i rusty! But like they say, it never goes out of your system. Standing there with a small chit of my points, I felt like I was back home. I could feel I was rusty, I could feel I needed a brushing session but I was happy. I rediscovered my first love. One I had let slip in engineering.
Now I wish I can continue with both-both were sorely missed and desperately required.
Ah life!

Thursday, January 20, 2011

My celestial constant

Living in the hostel is an experience everyone should have. It's like a kiln one needed to finally go through before one's true strengths come forth. I can gas around on hostels for quite a bit-I hate most of it!

The inspiration behind this particular post is my realisation that I have little in common with my earlier life(read: pre-jamshedpur). It almost seems like a previous birth sometimes. Nothing is the same, not even me. or wait. I think it should be-most of all, me.
So the other night I was walking back from the mess and I looked up at the sky. I don't remember why I looked up, was it the moon, was it exasperation, was it a kink in my neck, was it a desire to knock at heaven's door, I don't remember. but I looked and I saw. In that moment of isolation, I saw my oldest companion-the only constellation I can always track and one I always look for-the Orion.
It must've been class 3 or 4when I first learnt of the Orion. since then, whenever I could I've always looked up to find it and it's a relief that it's still there! But that day it spoke back to me.
for most people there isn't much that objects communicate. I somehow perceive it differently. there are bonds one can share with every thing-it doesn't have to be a breathing, talking flesh and blood. and once you believe, you'd know what I am talking about.
I miss myself terribly on some days. on some days I am complacent about this change. my glimpse at the Orion that day just made dealing with complacency easier. It was almost as if it said to me that it'll always be there-a constant in this changing life. A constant companion that would travel with me where ever i went and one who'd never ever change. most of all when i did.
can't say that about anything else now, can I?

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

MAXI

I'm feeling all soppy about MAXI tonight. I don't know why but all day today I was getting all sentimental about the nice bunch of people who i met thanks to Maxi.

Just in case you are wondering what MAXI is, it stands for MARKETING ASSOCIATION AT XLRI. I happen to be a junior executive member and mighty proud of it!

I was relating to my mother over lunch just how supportive each of my seniors had been and how I probably had never thanked them for it. Thanks guys! I know most of you won't ever see this, but thanks for standing by me during the nightmare called SIP and more.

It is also a matter of great personal pride for your's truly to be on Xl's website. Here it is. And another(my personal work!)

This is to MAXI. Of today. Of yesterday. Of tomorrow.

Monday, December 13, 2010

dedicated to term II

this slightly tilted drawing is dedicated to the endless economic classes of term II that taught me as much economics as it made me sleep n draw :D

Wednesday, December 01, 2010

what if...

so last night i was tired and not so tired. while i lay contemplating ways of putting myself to sleep, a thought crossed my mind. what if king kong could talk back?
for the last 17years king kong has borne every antic of mine. he knows every secret, every good thing, every evil thing i've thought n done, every crush i had, every time i nursed a broken heart and much much more. lately he's also a good pillow and a substitute for a nice warm hug.
as it happens, last night i wondered what king kong would say to me if he could talk back. would he admonish me for being like me? would he express his anger at being treated like pillow? would he be all nice and tell me what exactly was the cause of all those salty tears that he so diligently absorbed?
i don't know. somehow the more i think the worse options i come up with. and all bad things he could do-shout, scream, gossip and more. isn't it surprising that i can not think of one good thing a mute secret keeper would do?
the world's cynicism is hitting me after all. my best buddy is also a potential "wikileak". lame joke. sorry :P
oh btw the snap below is the first documented proof of king kong...year 1993...month unknown. somewhere between mar-aug

Sunday, November 21, 2010

genius me

inspired by a week full of grax and good anda maggi at midnight-gossiping is good for health-it increases awareness, makes one more perceptive, provides good laughter and usually involves human bonding of various kinds.
my moments of true genius. m good!

Saturday, November 20, 2010

all the single ladies(minus one) and the south indian heroes!

all my life i've wanted to do a honest to goodness road trip. to be true, my fascination began with all the trashy american teen flicks and their ideas of coming to age. on November 20, 2010 i, shivani saksena, actually had a short but very interesting road trip.
second term@xl has been bucket loads of fun. after the depressing beginning and frustrating ending of term 1, term 2 has been rather nice to me(touch wood). this particular month of november will always remain special. first a beach vacation and then this. oh i love this november!
if i were to start at the starting, mr menon came up with this idea of a half a day trip to Dasam falls(40km outside ranchi-about 100 or so from XL) and all of readily agreed. for some reason, we decided to begin early(smart decision-the highway early morning is wow!). at 5:40am, we were all set to leave. mr menon with Kottana, Dexter with SN, Badal with SK and i was with KK. or should i say, i was with KK and Padmini? ;)
since i can't make this a really boring travelogue, i'm throwing in what my excitement was all about-Padmini is a very stately Royal Enfield Thunderbird!! i could've gushed about it, if anyone were really listening but then again, whatever.
KK and i were leading the pack coz we kept cruising averaging about 75-80kmph while the rest were almost crawling averaging 40kmph! the drive at 6 in the morning is an experience. with a heavy sweat shirt and hood covering all of my head except my face, i could still feel the chill. the wind really talks to you at that speed. the highway from jamshedpur to ranchi (NH 33)is a a good road except in patches where it is becomes unbearable but otherwise the two lane highway is a built for a good ride.
on my way to dasam falls my camera kept clicking...the fog covered mountains, endless fields of freshly harvested crops, a very beautiful sunrise, an idyllic temple built on the banks of the many rain fed rivers we crossed, yellow fields covered in hay and mustard blossoms, a tomato market, small villages on the edge of civilization yet untouched in their life, an ancient devi temple called Deori Devi, cliffs that rose high yet didn't intimidate and yes, whatever else caught my fancy. my only regret is that by the time i'd focus and click, we'd have moved further ahead and so many of my pictures are of mundane trees that only i know hide a beautiful sight.
with 3pit stops on our way there, we took a total of 2hours and a half. the last 15kms to dasam is off the highway and into the hinterlands of jharkhand. the road is well built but like i mentioned, the life there is still disconnected from urban development.
some 10 into our journey, i was bothered by the utter silence we were traveling in. i wasn't sure if it was really a comfortable silence or just lack of conversation on either side. when i finally muttered up the courage to ask KK if he'd like to talk on our way there, i got a very classy answer that i probably wouldn't forget for a long time. he said, "lady if you wanted to talk, u picked the wrong guy. i like my bike rides in silence."
silence suited me just fine. i got to sing to myself, pray a little, sort issues in my head and just be quiet. with padmini roaring like she does, i didn't need conversation. the world passing me by was a blur at moments when i'd just lose myself to the wind, the roar and peace. oxymoronic life, isn't it?
dasam falls were a real sight. fallin from 144feet high marble rocks, it looked quite an enchanting place. it is actually well maintained and given how some places are cluttered and dirty, this was quite the opposite. climbing down the stairs to the bottom of the falls, we made our camp and went about doing whatever it was one wished to do. i went as close as i could to the smaller falls that make dasam falls. the rocks were very slippry and losing one's footing is the easiest thing. dexter was the only one who joined me in fall exploratory mode while most went off rock climbing. it was only later that we joined them. i am not particularly fond of rock climbing coz it manages to very vocally prove to me how badly out of shape i am. but i persevered. with mr menon and dexter being good support however idiosyncratically.
after one slip, i realised i shouldn't push the bar too far for me and stayed back from further climbing. the guys though went all the way to the top of the falls. what a sight it must've made! i was happy enough sitting on the ledge of with my feet in the splashing water and just staring into space. i never realised how much i'd missed my thoughtless staring into space until i spent a good part of the morning doing just that today. most people here dnt know my moods. they especially don't know my silence. but i do. and i liked the thoughless moments. and to think of it, i wasn't on the ground, i wasn't in the air...i was sitting on a rock ledge under a waterfall in the middle of the jungles of jharkhand. wow!
the drive back was quite uneventful as such but the longest i've had. KK and i drove non stop back to college(one 5minute break doesn't count) and that means sitting on the bike in the same position continuously for a little less than two hours with nothing to do and a sun to hide from. if i look for a reason why i still loved it, i wouldn't have a clue. i just did. it could be doing the diva scarf and shades routine or it could be the exhaustion wearing off under the wind. i dnt know.
the trip has one extra special moment for me. it was when KK didn't see a pothole and padmini obviously jerked hard. my instant reaction when i drive is to talk to my car and make it up to her. KK did the exact same thing. touching.

ps: photos in next blog post...i still hv2load em!!

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Bats and life


i've been wondering for a long time what to write and even though i now have a laptop i am only away from when in class or during meals, i haven't done much better with blog posting. but something that happened just now has prompted an urgent post.
today is the third and final day of our fest Ensemble and since sn's brother was here for it, we finally coordinated our schedules enough to go out and have a meal together. the ladies decided the outing called for dress up and we cleaned up decently well(people were shocked enough to call it dolled up!). after a hearty meal full of cheese, good ham, laughs and topped with a good drive, we returned to our 10x10.
absentmindedly i unlock the door. sn and sk are behind me and all three are squabbling. i switch on the lights and wham! i see two bats flying across my room straight at me! i shrieked i think and jumped into sn's room and closed it shut. then we debated how they could've come and how we should get them out. finally sn and i ran down to find some help from the workers et al. thankfully we didn't have to go further than the hostel landing...there were three workers packing up for the day. we told them of my room and they got so excited at the prospect of catching a bat that all they way to my room, they were cracking jokes for us and giggling like excited little girls :|
watching them jumping and swinging broom and happily fighting the bats was an experience. i, the brave girl, was crouching at the end of the corridor behind a turn. sn was there too. sk was so brave she refused to step out of sn's room. we could see them making plans to catch the bats. one got hit by the broom but landed in the shelf above the tables. the other probably realised the battles a losing fight, so it flew out the room and straight across the corridor at sn and me. oh how i screamed! and when it landed just at the turn where we were crouching, i ran. i ran like crazy to other end of the corridor with sn close at my heels. all i can say is it must've been a funny sight for sure, but i couldn't have cared less!
bottom line...the workers had in their hands two bats and they happily walked off like pirates after a loot and a very scared me walked surreptitiously into my room. phew! no more bats to scare me. i hope.

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Turning a sphere inside out

so a friend posted this link as his gtalk status n i was greatly impressed hence i share it below. the beauty of mathematics which sometimes dances in front of my eyes and at other times eludes me, is incomparable. a mathematician is an artist, a visionary and a tad bit self contained and often very boring. lol!
and truthfully this video has no bearing whatsoever on my life and its current updates ;)

Monday, October 11, 2010

Miss (my) Slumber

so here at xl i've discovered a new side to me. yes cliche but true. let's just say i've discovered more sides to me than i knew before!
i just cant help it. it's definitely not planned, it's not intended, it's something i resist yet something i'm seen rather often indulging in. oh how i try to justify not just to myself but to all those who catch me in action that it wasnt meant to be. but to no avail. it happened. it happens. n i dnt see y it wont happen again.
yes, one rather (in)famous ability i've discovered, is sleeping in class!
but there is a pattern you see. when some patch of never ending theory comes up which I find no way of comprehending, my brain starts off with things i do. so mostly i try to doodle but when even that fails, my brain in the auto mode switches off. heard of battery savers?
so to help me better explain-read the brilliant piece of art below.
thnx xkcd.com for making my situation atleast humourous :D

Tuesday, October 05, 2010

weighty issues


yes, as the title suggests this post is all about weight issues. who's? mine!
my brother had once very beautifully written about my battle with my weight, way back when orkut was the "in" thing and having meaningful testimonials was the ultimate need. he'd said, "she'd be perfect if only she could get herself motivated to do something about her biggest problem-her weight". it's funny and embarrassing to admit that it's still true.
a friend tonight very crisply showed me the root of the problem for me. her(very true) observation is that I can eat whenever and whatever I feel like irrespective of hunger! till a few moments after she said it, I could've counted eating as my best time pass and hobby-I love food!
I love all aspects of food! I love to cook, I love to shop for gourmet foods, I love to go shop for vegetables cause I can imagine having them for dinner soon, I can watch cookery shows, I love to experiment with food and I love food! when i qualified for xl and it was time for me to leave home, i went to a book store to buy myself a book-I shortlisted 3books out of which the one i finally picked is titled "The Virago Book of Eating". how much more can i say?
so tonight, sitting at bishuda(midnight food haven), while i gorged on french toast, my friend muddled up the courage to tell me the real reason why I am fat-cause I eat randomly-whenever and whatever. so touched as i was by the concern n the dawn(i keep forgeting, or keep making myself forget) of this knowledge, i sulked. a little. i closed the open box of cookies on my desk and decided to be better at it. then i started writing this entry and just writing about food has cheered me up!
so maybe i'm fat. ok, no maybe, i am fat. but atleast i'm happy!
ok, so sometimes happiness should also be derived from external things like two dress sizes smaller, and it must be time for me to try. again :)

Thursday, September 23, 2010

On my way back

This is on my way back to jamshedpur. I'm in the rajdhani and though
I'm surrounded by people I know aka my batchmates the journey will be
a long one I know. For some reason this route back is not long for
only me. There is no enthusiasm and gaeity that had accompanied me
when had travelled from XL to home
This transition from the first term to the second has been softened by
my time home but still fear lurks. For the first term it was fear of
the unknown and a transition. This time it's more like walking into
the lion's den knowing your sword and skill aren't the sharpest.
Life is funny and somehow when two worlds clash, u realise it the
best. Coming back home would have been so different I'd never
imagined. But sometimes like they say, change is the only constant.
So here's to me! To term II!


Shivani Saksena
sent from my iPod