The beginning and end of an age

This past Sunday had a couple of important firsts for me. My first Sunday in Mumbai as a member of the workforce. The Sunday when my mother discovered my first grey hair.
Marks a landmark of sorts for me

Living Alone

Each time I thought about it or anyone asked me about it, I was so confident I'd take to it like a fish to water. As of this moment, I am not so sure.

I left home on June 12, 2012, today is Aug 15. I live alone in a serviced apartment and I work 6days a week. The 6days I go to office, I want a day off. The day I stay back, I wish there was work I could finish. Everything I do, I want to call someone and tell them. I have never wanted to do that before. I have never wished I was not alone.

To me living alone was the ultimate sign of making it in life as a single working woman. I wanted that scene of a coffee cup, a sofa and rain pelting a french window to happen for me too. Now when it rains in Pune and I sit on the window sill to watch it clean the greenery, I wish I'd asked for something else. Asked for what though, I do not know.

I always thought since my parents had pulled it off, I would obviously adapt. I craved for it. I told myself everytime...this is what I want. As of this moment, I am not so confident.

I am now waiting for the learning curve to flatten. I am waiting for the feeling to become me. So that next time it rains and I have a hot cup of tea in my hands, I can smile and say..this is indeed life, my way.

The knotty knot

What is it with people around you that think life gets suddenly, overnight complete the day you marry? What's the big deal about marriage anyway? These days, sometimes in their entirety, I contemplate what is marriage all about. Why should I do this whole ritual and what will change for me? I admit I absolutely adore weddings! I mean who doesn't? But seriously, why marriage?

I am no closer to an answer. I have asked around; those who are married, bless their marriage, and those wishing they were married, but I am still not convinced on their logic. And to further derail my inclination towards it, I have a whole bunch of people asking me about it. It's not an age related landmark like puberty! But, sigh, they believe it is. And none is the wiser about why marriage.

There are certain givens about marriages. It draws on a curtain on human promiscuity and ensures children know their parentage for sure. It provides a degree of companionship, understanding and emotional support, though I seem to see the complete opposite in most marriages. It gives another person legal and medical rights to take decisions for you. The last one I read in some relationship column in Mint. So that's it. Hmm.

One thing became clear to me tonight about marriage, arranged marriage at least. It draws on a society's desire to protect itself and isolate and promote its culture. Any civilization that has evolved enough to have overcome the basics of food, shelter and clothing and has amassed wealth starts moving towards the whole arranged marriage concept. They do not want to "dilute the bloodlines". They want to "keep to their kind". In short, they're paranoid of losing their cultural identity into someone else's and giving away their wealth to the not-so-wealthy. That's why the business class will marry their children early and within their society. That is why the royal blue blood retains the genes that are killing them now! It's cultural paranoia!

It's clearly visible why an average, considered uncultured, American would always support a love match vis a vis an old moneyed European who a family lineage as long as the Mississippi! This is why a traditional Indian family would squirm at the thought of a cross cultural match as compared to the more disconnected "modern" American spin offs in the cities!

But at the end of the day, it is paranoia. If not then tell me why.

2011, A memoir

Another year is coming to a close. Today on Google I came across this video on the year that was and is for another 16days.



Thinking about what it did to me, I can safely say it was a year of experiences and it made a whole new dimension of me.

I finally found my feet in the b-school and made peace with my new life, interned at one of the most iconic brands of the world-Coca Cola, met a nice bunch of people there and was reassured that this was indeed what I wish to do in my life for real, traveled business class and then by unreserved in the same day to just meet my family for a day, discovered pleasure, got my first lipstick, my first Roberto Cavalli shades, adopted pets and then lost them to nature, experienced real fear while waiting outside an operation theatre and realised what it is to be strong for another.

This year has been like none other for me. Simply amazing.

My favourite moments:

Mumbai Trip, June 2011; @bandra bandstand

My 23rd, Feb 16; @jsr

My 23rd, Feb 16; @jsr

My 23rd, Feb 16; @jsr

@chandil dam

feb; @bhopal

ladies; feb; @bhopal

Layla and Raphael...my angel fish. RIP

Akshita, twisha, I, shweta, shriya; day of batch photo

Areshdeep, I, aditya, twisha

Teej@XL

scary me @maxi junior's treat; august 11

OOH advertising for MAXI Mindscapes:dimensions of sports marketing

Return to Dasam falls, diwali day, 26 oct 11

mela@jsr, oct 16, 2011

bike trip to ghatshila

Tinkerbell&I

Delhi Daredevils and I

Date: May 3, 2011

Time: 1pm

Venue: The Taj Mahal Hotel, New Delhi

Occasion: Coca Cola Meet and Greet with Delhi Daredevils

Who all: I recognise Irfan Pathan(to my left) and Colin Ingram(3rd on my right); rest I am a little clueless about. I'd appreciate if you could tell me

What was I doing there: I went to meet them and have lunch. Ended up working somewhat.

Stories, tales and an exam

I had a realisation of my own right now...I so want to write a story/novel/book but besides creating a character set and amazingly sweet or conflict ridden situations and a awesome couple for it, I can never decide what to do with them! I dnt fregging have a story for them...i want an ending to the love stories I start in my head. Maybe why they dnt end or even come close to any form of closure is because I dnt know how love stories are completed! Inexperience you see...darn I wanna know what happens to my characters after they've met and broken the ice and are not fighting/drinking/eating/

studying!! Yes, my characters study :P
So in short when I'm studying(yes) and studying stuff that doesnt engross me for whatever reason, I go hunting to find out what happened to my characters and where have they reached in their lives. I dnt see them often..just every exam time and everytime I think I found a face for my characters. So my faceless characters continue with their lives with and without me. Like I do mine.

A goodbye

I just have to write this down. A single hug has triggered this post that too half an hour before an end term examination! Of all the seniors that I got to know in the past one year here, I recently said goodbye to a good lot of them. All these farewells were happy. Of all the seniors that I got to know in the past one year here, only one came to look for me to say goodbye and give me a hug. I suddenly realised she'll be the only one I'll always remember no matter what. She lived on the same floor as I and we often watched TV together...bonded over random idiot box content but now that I look back, we genuinely bonded. She was so easy to talk to and just an integral part of the 1st floor...I will miss her!
I am so sappy sometimes. Darn.

Battle of the emotions

Emotions are powerful, that we all have heard. But to experience it the sheer strength of the emotion and realise its power is quite another. At least for me it has been.
The past few weeks I experienced jealousy and hatred and like each time that I experience the mix of these two, I stand in awe of it. One side of my brain shows me the rationality of all the literature that sugested that negativity has in it the power to overcome the strongest of person-Osho, Sri Aurobindo and the like. The other side pulls me to further explore the realms of this dark side and feel a new wave of power and its accompanying attitude.
The triggers of the situation will never see light on this portal(they stay locked in safer media) but the experience obviously has me using my head to word it out.
Women, history suggests, are women's worsr enemies. As I grow out of my utopian ideals and experience for myself situations where earlier I would scorn others for having reacted in a way, I am reacting thus. Pitiful. But life.

Rusty ol' me

So yours truly has decided that life needs a facelift. I need loads of other things but one has to start somewhere. So I have restarted two previously integral parts of my life: physical fitness and public speaking.
The former is currently being pursued by using the well stocked gym that XL offers. I haven't had much time to devote to it or my self lately. Then a few events triggered a major need for revamp. Step in my resolve to go to the gym. On day1, I use the treadmill, I use the stepper, I do some floor exercises and rusty, flabby me gets all sweaty and exhausted! Sheer mortification overtakes me as I realise that I have indeed lost my agility and flexibility.
There is another side to this tale. The public speaking bit. I participated in a debate after 5long years. Oh boy am i rusty! But like they say, it never goes out of your system. Standing there with a small chit of my points, I felt like I was back home. I could feel I was rusty, I could feel I needed a brushing session but I was happy. I rediscovered my first love. One I had let slip in engineering.
Now I wish I can continue with both-both were sorely missed and desperately required.
Ah life!

My celestial constant

Living in the hostel is an experience everyone should have. It's like a kiln one needed to finally go through before one's true strengths come forth. I can gas around on hostels for quite a bit-I hate most of it!

The inspiration behind this particular post is my realisation that I have little in common with my earlier life(read: pre-jamshedpur). It almost seems like a previous birth sometimes. Nothing is the same, not even me. or wait. I think it should be-most of all, me.
So the other night I was walking back from the mess and I looked up at the sky. I don't remember why I looked up, was it the moon, was it exasperation, was it a kink in my neck, was it a desire to knock at heaven's door, I don't remember. but I looked and I saw. In that moment of isolation, I saw my oldest companion-the only constellation I can always track and one I always look for-the Orion.
It must've been class 3 or 4when I first learnt of the Orion. since then, whenever I could I've always looked up to find it and it's a relief that it's still there! But that day it spoke back to me.
for most people there isn't much that objects communicate. I somehow perceive it differently. there are bonds one can share with every thing-it doesn't have to be a breathing, talking flesh and blood. and once you believe, you'd know what I am talking about.
I miss myself terribly on some days. on some days I am complacent about this change. my glimpse at the Orion that day just made dealing with complacency easier. It was almost as if it said to me that it'll always be there-a constant in this changing life. A constant companion that would travel with me where ever i went and one who'd never ever change. most of all when i did.
can't say that about anything else now, can I?

what if...

so last night i was tired and not so tired. while i lay contemplating ways of putting myself to sleep, a thought crossed my mind. what if king kong could talk back?
for the last 17years king kong has borne every antic of mine. he knows every secret, every good thing, every evil thing i've thought n done, every crush i had, every time i nursed a broken heart and much much more. lately he's also a good pillow and a substitute for a nice warm hug.
as it happens, last night i wondered what king kong would say to me if he could talk back. would he admonish me for being like me? would he express his anger at being treated like pillow? would he be all nice and tell me what exactly was the cause of all those salty tears that he so diligently absorbed?
i don't know. somehow the more i think the worse options i come up with. and all bad things he could do-shout, scream, gossip and more. isn't it surprising that i can not think of one good thing a mute secret keeper would do?
the world's cynicism is hitting me after all. my best buddy is also a potential "wikileak". lame joke. sorry :P
oh btw the snap below is the first documented proof of king kong...year 1993...month unknown. somewhere between mar-aug

a song that struck a chord somewhere....