to wake up one morning and find barriers around you may be a more conducive environment to swallow the fact that there are boundaries that must never be crossed. but to actually have them round you since the moment you first wailed, while being swung in mid-air and not to be told what they meant till you understood on your own. to see it there and always be told how wrong they are, to be allowed the freedom to dream that they'll vanish into thin air some air but then to be reminded that dreams just acts you'll never accomplish, hurts.
it hurts far more than what it must to have them imposed overnight. at least in that case you have the option of tearing your lungs out to make your voice heard, that that what happens is wrong! in this case you can't even say you didn't see it coming. it was always there for you to see. it was you who chose to ignore.
what difference will it make if someone is so narrow that they fail to acknowledge that dark ages are over. what do you do if they refuse to believe that their understanding of liberation was justifiably valid some ages ago when man knew only a few desires-power, food and sex. i can't disagree by saying that man has in anyway changed his priorities or ambitions, but i do believe that they do not employ any kind of force to acquire it from unwilling people. again psychopaths abound. but what i question is can we let fear and socially acceptable behavior rule our lives? especially in a world when you're not sure who your next door neighbour is.
Friday, July 20, 2007
Thursday, July 19, 2007
School-revisted
its been over a year since i le
ft school and stepped into a place they call college. saying it is quite a change will be an understatement, it is a revolution! The Mother's International School to Delhi College of Engineering is a major jump, to say the least. i have changed into someone who no one from school would recognize and if any one from college were to see me backin school, they'd laugh their guts out!this is not some revelation that dawned on me in the early hours of my sleep like other ideas i get, but something right in the middle of the day. my two better friends and i were having a girl's day in...eat, chat, gossip and indulge. so in the middle of all this we decided to pull out the school album and see all our friends again. so out came a big album full of pics, mostly of class 12 and voila! all three of us suffer from a bout of something that can't be explained. it was definitely not nostalgia(we weren't quite missing the people, coz those who matter are still in touch), it was not depression(we're butterflies now, not caterpillars), it wasn't even a regret as to what we are, but something absolutely inexplicable.
looking at those pictures and looking at all of us now, its really a magic of a newly acquired fashion sense. not just the three of us...but each and everyone that i've happened to meet this summer from school. be it long unruly locks for the guys or some hippy skirts for the girls, everyone has a new identity beyond the daily white yarns we all ever saw the others in. and everyone seems to always notice the other person's changes more prominently than their own. i thought i was still the plain jane, the goodie two shoes i always had been in school. but no i am not.
i personally have undergone a metamorphosis of sorts. looking back at my pics from school, i could only cover my eyes! i looked so terrible!!! not that now i am in any position to give any one a run for their money, but still i have some sense. back then i was the trouser wearing, plait porting tomboy! at least now i can say i have some female clothing of repute. i can behave like a girly girl too. something i never could back in school.
so ignoring the academic parts of school and college, the two still stand apart with which shivani they know. the dumb looking smart fatso or the not-so-outstanding female with some brains. two worlds apart yet ingrained in me. a part of me that shows as and when i need it. but i still wish i never look the way i did back in school!
but i still love my school!
Sunday, July 01, 2007
Love is Blind
It’s a quote immemorial-Love is Blind. Well I happened to live through it. So I sit here, listening to my any time companion, the very musical radio, and I wondered what made me not to notice the obviously flawed little creature that is so very dear to me-my teddy.
Now King Kong is not an ordinary teddy. Starting with the unusual name to the incomparable little tweed pants he wore when he was first gifted to me to even his inane ability to cry like a little baby, he has been quite a part of my life. To put it quite simply no one liked him-not my mother when she first set eyes on the crying monkey (yes he’s not a bear! I discovered it to my horror only recently), not my grandmother who noticed his flaws like they were mentioned on the packing. The only exceptions were the men in my life because one of them had bought it for me and the other didn’t bother to notice! Even I never realized how much I loved my King Kong till I grew out of my Barbie world and stepped into teenage holding onto the faithful monkey for my life.
To mention his flaws is just to prove how love is blind. King Kong is a monkey-not that it is bad but it is shocking. I mean people always say a teddy bear (thanks to the Yankee prez) but you don’t quite associate a stuffed toy a decade back to a monkey. I am still to spot a stuffed monkey like mine and I certainly abhor those chocolate coloured swinging chimps you find everywhere. My darling is different. He has a squint too. And this too surprised me…I never noticed it all of the eleven twelve years that I have had him. When I did mention it to my mother, she just smiled and said,” You noticed that today?”
This lovely teddy of mine has seen me through all the clichéd teenage events of my not so eventful life. I have cried gallons of tears into his fur, clutched onto him for moral support esp a night before the exam, shared my deepest fears and uncensored comments on everything around me, pretend he can talk to me when I need someone to say exactly what I want to hear and more recently used his expanse of a belly as a very comforting pillow. And then I innocently took him to the family doctor to say he’s lost weight!
He’s more to me than most other people I know. He’s precious and I just have to kiss him good night before I sleep even if in the morning he’s on the floor. It’s hard to imagine spending my life without him…so maybe you’ll just see him shuttling like me between home and hostel every week. Love seriously requires no criteria and never any biases.
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
Two big girls
My mom and I share a wonderfully weird relationship. Wonderful because it’s well my mom and weird for the people who see us in full swing. We have a very unusual way to express our love-I know exactly how clichéd it sounds-but it is so unusual coz I haven’t seen another like it. She happens to be the butt of most of my jokes, the ones who has to bear the brunt of my anger and the one who I cuddle like a li’l baby (talk of bear hugs!)
Well most of our time is spent bickering. This is why people think we’re weird-they just assume I’m an unrelenting rebellious teenager who is a royal pain the neck and whose mother has an uphill task just keeping her temper in check. But its not that way. If I don’t “fight” with momma I can’t say I’ve had a complete day. Unless her regular phone calls bug me, I feel something amiss.
That’s what happened a day ago. I was out spending my day at my buddy’s place and as our pact is, I told my ma I’ll be home by 5 or 6. At 5 o’clock that evening my head became aware that’s its time for ma to call and find out where and how far I am on my home and remind if I’ve forgotten. However buddy-buddy we all are, we do believe in deadlines and punctuality. And my mother has always had an idea where I am. She ensures she does. So at 5:15 I checked my phone, incase I had a missed call. None. I board the bus. I pull out my phone from my jeans pocket just incase she calls and I have to struggle with ‘em. I get off to change my bus. 5:30pm and still no call. Now I’m concerned.
I take the other bus and still cling to my phone and now I’m checking it every few minutes. NO CALL! I am now almost home. I start walking home. I check my watch-5:50pm. Why hasn’t ma called? It’s most unlike her? Hey wait, why am I worried? For the first time she has not bothered herself as to my where about. So I get my chain-free freedom at last? Shit! Call ma call!
5:55pm. I am at my colony entrance. I can’t hold myself anymore. Flip open the phone->phonebook->press M->dial the first entry Ma->wait for to answer. She takes her own sweet time. I am worried as hell!
“huh?”
“Ma? Where are you? You didn’t call. I am almost home. Want me to get milk on my way home?’
“Haan…nahi. I got the milk. (Yawn!) I was sleeping! I’ll open the door. You come soon.”
Sleeping?! She was sleeping blissfully unaware of the time and here was I worried why ma didn’t call so I could lecture her on me being a big girl! Jeez! She finally got it that I’m a big girl, but I didn’t. Now I guess this is weird. No wonder people fail to understand us. I still don’t.
Frankly I don’t even want to. Why waste time to rationalize love? And yes now I know never again will I shriek at ma for calling me on my way to find out how far I am. That way at least two people don’t get anxiety attacks for nothing and I save on my phone bill!
love ya ma!
Well most of our time is spent bickering. This is why people think we’re weird-they just assume I’m an unrelenting rebellious teenager who is a royal pain the neck and whose mother has an uphill task just keeping her temper in check. But its not that way. If I don’t “fight” with momma I can’t say I’ve had a complete day. Unless her regular phone calls bug me, I feel something amiss.
That’s what happened a day ago. I was out spending my day at my buddy’s place and as our pact is, I told my ma I’ll be home by 5 or 6. At 5 o’clock that evening my head became aware that’s its time for ma to call and find out where and how far I am on my home and remind if I’ve forgotten. However buddy-buddy we all are, we do believe in deadlines and punctuality. And my mother has always had an idea where I am. She ensures she does. So at 5:15 I checked my phone, incase I had a missed call. None. I board the bus. I pull out my phone from my jeans pocket just incase she calls and I have to struggle with ‘em. I get off to change my bus. 5:30pm and still no call. Now I’m concerned.
I take the other bus and still cling to my phone and now I’m checking it every few minutes. NO CALL! I am now almost home. I start walking home. I check my watch-5:50pm. Why hasn’t ma called? It’s most unlike her? Hey wait, why am I worried? For the first time she has not bothered herself as to my where about. So I get my chain-free freedom at last? Shit! Call ma call!
5:55pm. I am at my colony entrance. I can’t hold myself anymore. Flip open the phone->phonebook->press M->dial the first entry Ma->wait for to answer. She takes her own sweet time. I am worried as hell!
“huh?”
“Ma? Where are you? You didn’t call. I am almost home. Want me to get milk on my way home?’
“Haan…nahi. I got the milk. (Yawn!) I was sleeping! I’ll open the door. You come soon.”
Sleeping?! She was sleeping blissfully unaware of the time and here was I worried why ma didn’t call so I could lecture her on me being a big girl! Jeez! She finally got it that I’m a big girl, but I didn’t. Now I guess this is weird. No wonder people fail to understand us. I still don’t.
Frankly I don’t even want to. Why waste time to rationalize love? And yes now I know never again will I shriek at ma for calling me on my way to find out how far I am. That way at least two people don’t get anxiety attacks for nothing and I save on my phone bill!
love ya ma!
Friday, May 25, 2007
Frost bite and sun burns!
Its been one full semester at the ice kingdom called Delhi college of engineering with its ice princesses and stone princes. Ironically the place is almost an inferno in summer especially walking down the concrete roads all the way to the main gate. how many time I've had a frost bite(jeez!) and a sun burn(real bad ones) I've lost count.
the place is like its inhabitants-two extremes. now calling it two extremes may be due to my inclination to classify things into slots or whatever but this place is so damned confusing! frankly u can get lost here with no luck of being retrieved ever again. the corridors, the staircases the blocks...u really need a guided tour to know where you're headed. i know, i took one from a friend. its really huge and empty!
i use empty because except for a handful of people here and there you will never really find a crowd except in the canteen. that too, the same faces. considering it has over 800 people in my batch only, i happen to see very few. or maybe i happen to register a very few.
now coming to people. if you can recall i mentioned them as ice-princesses and stone princes. that's exactly what they come across as. they can give you a frost bite! well not all of them. some can burn your fingers! on a more serious note i think there's more to it than good self-restrained people-its me. i was the outsider. i was the one who had to break the ice(i love this) with a sledge hammer. the reason I'm so bugged or pissed is that I've tried so hard with not as much success as i would have liked.
if anyone were to ask me what should u do if given an option to switch colleges, I'd say think again. its a real pain to get yourself an identity when people are just not interested to know who or where u come from. when college starts everyone is interested in everyone else. they want to know you, you want to know them and everyone gets a fair chance of being a part of your little world. cut to a semester later(or even a year, if you transfer etc) people have their own little world. you and you alone have to cut through. take a good ninety nine steps and then maybe they'll take one. I've not had it that hard, but I've had it hard. and truthfully its not good for my ego. i hate to say this but i do have a nice ego that has had enough reasons to be inflated through out school, however unglamourous i may have been, and this whole situation of being a nobody hurts.
all in all this place has been one good experience. i never knew i had so many emotions in me considering the many firsts i've had here, the most memorable(why?) being my very amusing(to the spectators ofcourse) catfight! i'll maybe divulge the details in another post but lord did i lose my temper. i've been cheated on(no no boyfriend trouble, that doesnt exist), betrayed(my little innocent soul) and embarrased(ask munchkin for details).
whatever said and done this extreme action is where i'm gonna be for another three years and trust me i'm looking for a reason to tear my own comments above apart.
the place is like its inhabitants-two extremes. now calling it two extremes may be due to my inclination to classify things into slots or whatever but this place is so damned confusing! frankly u can get lost here with no luck of being retrieved ever again. the corridors, the staircases the blocks...u really need a guided tour to know where you're headed. i know, i took one from a friend. its really huge and empty!
i use empty because except for a handful of people here and there you will never really find a crowd except in the canteen. that too, the same faces. considering it has over 800 people in my batch only, i happen to see very few. or maybe i happen to register a very few.
now coming to people. if you can recall i mentioned them as ice-princesses and stone princes. that's exactly what they come across as. they can give you a frost bite! well not all of them. some can burn your fingers! on a more serious note i think there's more to it than good self-restrained people-its me. i was the outsider. i was the one who had to break the ice(i love this) with a sledge hammer. the reason I'm so bugged or pissed is that I've tried so hard with not as much success as i would have liked.
if anyone were to ask me what should u do if given an option to switch colleges, I'd say think again. its a real pain to get yourself an identity when people are just not interested to know who or where u come from. when college starts everyone is interested in everyone else. they want to know you, you want to know them and everyone gets a fair chance of being a part of your little world. cut to a semester later(or even a year, if you transfer etc) people have their own little world. you and you alone have to cut through. take a good ninety nine steps and then maybe they'll take one. I've not had it that hard, but I've had it hard. and truthfully its not good for my ego. i hate to say this but i do have a nice ego that has had enough reasons to be inflated through out school, however unglamourous i may have been, and this whole situation of being a nobody hurts.
all in all this place has been one good experience. i never knew i had so many emotions in me considering the many firsts i've had here, the most memorable(why?) being my very amusing(to the spectators ofcourse) catfight! i'll maybe divulge the details in another post but lord did i lose my temper. i've been cheated on(no no boyfriend trouble, that doesnt exist), betrayed(my little innocent soul) and embarrased(ask munchkin for details).
whatever said and done this extreme action is where i'm gonna be for another three years and trust me i'm looking for a reason to tear my own comments above apart.
Friday, February 02, 2007
25 things i hope to do before its too late
I've been tagged! it feels nice to do something with a real purpose behind it. i have been very sweetly asked by a fellow blogger of good repute-Sid to make my own to-do list and how can i not oblige?
in no specific order, here is the very boring list( i call it boring, because my current frame of mind curtails my ability at humour):
1. lose weight-this has been dream for as long as i can remember!
2. be a good engineer and actually be able to do some worthwhile stuff, not administrative crap
3. spend a summer in Tuscany
4. cook good food(too many Os!)
5. see the best places in the world, and i don't count those picture postcard stuff only. i mean the real lifestyles and people!
6. write my own series of books on varied topics, and actually have people read it
7. be remembered by the people i have known. being known by unknowns would be a bonus
8. be a professional blogger
9. learn how to ski, surf and swim
10. get over my inherent inhibitions
11. have a bohemian lifestyle( i think i already do!)
12. have my own range of clothing and accessories and have a global brand recognition
13. play with a panda and a penguin
14. eat only chocolate for a whole day...preferably hot melting chocolate that runs down my neck and lower(please don't get any ideas, its a fantasy so don't spoil it)
15. get a nice massage that pampers me-the way those advertisements claim
16. run my own restaurant in partnership with my brother
17. have my own series of Mills and Boons
18. star in a blockbuster movie
19. learn ballet and bharatnatyam
20. buy myself a yacht
21. be more originally creative
22. paint a flawless canvas
23. have enough money to afford my fantasies
24. age gracefully
25. do something about my lack of imagination!
this has been my most uncreative and toughest post ever. i have never before thought of actually listing down my desires and frankly i still am not satisfied. i will though keep it as a ready reference for my actual progress!
in no specific order, here is the very boring list( i call it boring, because my current frame of mind curtails my ability at humour):
1. lose weight-this has been dream for as long as i can remember!
2. be a good engineer and actually be able to do some worthwhile stuff, not administrative crap
3. spend a summer in Tuscany
4. cook good food(too many Os!)
5. see the best places in the world, and i don't count those picture postcard stuff only. i mean the real lifestyles and people!
6. write my own series of books on varied topics, and actually have people read it
7. be remembered by the people i have known. being known by unknowns would be a bonus
8. be a professional blogger
9. learn how to ski, surf and swim
10. get over my inherent inhibitions
11. have a bohemian lifestyle( i think i already do!)
12. have my own range of clothing and accessories and have a global brand recognition
13. play with a panda and a penguin
14. eat only chocolate for a whole day...preferably hot melting chocolate that runs down my neck and lower(please don't get any ideas, its a fantasy so don't spoil it)
15. get a nice massage that pampers me-the way those advertisements claim
16. run my own restaurant in partnership with my brother
17. have my own series of Mills and Boons
18. star in a blockbuster movie
19. learn ballet and bharatnatyam
20. buy myself a yacht
21. be more originally creative
22. paint a flawless canvas
23. have enough money to afford my fantasies
24. age gracefully
25. do something about my lack of imagination!
this has been my most uncreative and toughest post ever. i have never before thought of actually listing down my desires and frankly i still am not satisfied. i will though keep it as a ready reference for my actual progress!
Tuesday, January 23, 2007
party hard, study harder
today is my third week in my new college. i call it new coz i have just swaped colleges thanks to a system that upgrades my stream netime through out my first semester. so this is my new college-delhi college of engineering.
if you by any chance are wondering if the title of this post reflects my views and that i happen to be a "ghissu" then may i please take the liberty of simply saying that this doesnt happen to be my attitude but of those people that i ahev come to accept as my friends. for the uninitiated people who have nothing to do with engineering colleges in india and hence their lingo, "ghissu" is a derogatory form of a cross between a geek and a book-worm. and no one, may i repeat, no ones considers it a compliment but everyone becomes the long lost buddy of those few who are, at examination time.
so basically my new college requires me to travel a good two hrs daily one way and so my habit of making friends and studing unique samples of human life gets enough exposure. i have come to realise a few things about myself too. i, for one always divide people into categories of who and who not i can be on amicable terms with. and trust me my classification is best when instinctive and thankfully correct(mostly).
the ride to DCE in the morning is the best part. i happen to be the only female in the bus mostly and the for the guys i am like an unattainable piece of eve's descent! we have a university special bus and so all of them are either my batchmates or seniors, but still talking to a girl just like that is so unthinkable. sometimes i really wonder, does it say anywhere on my face that i'll gobble you up if u try n talk to me???? they seem to think so, and are shell shocked if you start a conversation with them. no. its a martal sin. guys here are just so incapable of a friendly chat with a girl.
the matters obviously differ when the girl is a bomb. then they'd talk to you to gather all the info they can abt her...building their databases you see. for future references
whatever said n done, i'm enjoying this place and there is always so much distance to walk that you can not get bored.
if you by any chance are wondering if the title of this post reflects my views and that i happen to be a "ghissu" then may i please take the liberty of simply saying that this doesnt happen to be my attitude but of those people that i ahev come to accept as my friends. for the uninitiated people who have nothing to do with engineering colleges in india and hence their lingo, "ghissu" is a derogatory form of a cross between a geek and a book-worm. and no one, may i repeat, no ones considers it a compliment but everyone becomes the long lost buddy of those few who are, at examination time.
so basically my new college requires me to travel a good two hrs daily one way and so my habit of making friends and studing unique samples of human life gets enough exposure. i have come to realise a few things about myself too. i, for one always divide people into categories of who and who not i can be on amicable terms with. and trust me my classification is best when instinctive and thankfully correct(mostly).
the ride to DCE in the morning is the best part. i happen to be the only female in the bus mostly and the for the guys i am like an unattainable piece of eve's descent! we have a university special bus and so all of them are either my batchmates or seniors, but still talking to a girl just like that is so unthinkable. sometimes i really wonder, does it say anywhere on my face that i'll gobble you up if u try n talk to me???? they seem to think so, and are shell shocked if you start a conversation with them. no. its a martal sin. guys here are just so incapable of a friendly chat with a girl.
the matters obviously differ when the girl is a bomb. then they'd talk to you to gather all the info they can abt her...building their databases you see. for future references
whatever said n done, i'm enjoying this place and there is always so much distance to walk that you can not get bored.
Monday, December 11, 2006
love to die for?
Q:what does nitish katara, abhishek mishra and most of our hindi film heroes have in common?A: they fell in love with a big shots girl. and had no qualms about standing up for their hearts
Q: what do they not have in common?
A: unlike the hindi movie hero who is some superman in disguise and can bloody hell fight the whole system, our two other guys never got the chance to. they were simply gotten rid off.
Q: what do we learn?
A: love aint made to be.
i aint all that skeptical n cynical for nothing. the recent turn of events though has touched me. what i see happening actually makes me wonder, can love actually survive the barriers that our standings in this hypocritical bunch of people called society create?what do u do when u fall in love with someone u can never have? and how can u be so sure that u'll never have them, when all ur books and movies and "supportive" people tell u taht love has its way? its gets tougher when u have all the right signals coming from the other side.
my anguish is not over lost love, but over weaklings who cant even stand up for their love. family pressure is understandable but it didnt come up overnight did it? how can you take a stand and then when you are cornered , u break down? i know family matters, i know those alive are more precious than those who died loving u. but r they?
all that makes me hold myself is the fact that at least they died believing their love to be strong. maybe love did have its way, just the one we thought it'll take
Q: what do they not have in common?
A: unlike the hindi movie hero who is some superman in disguise and can bloody hell fight the whole system, our two other guys never got the chance to. they were simply gotten rid off.
Q: what do we learn?
A: love aint made to be.
i aint all that skeptical n cynical for nothing. the recent turn of events though has touched me. what i see happening actually makes me wonder, can love actually survive the barriers that our standings in this hypocritical bunch of people called society create?what do u do when u fall in love with someone u can never have? and how can u be so sure that u'll never have them, when all ur books and movies and "supportive" people tell u taht love has its way? its gets tougher when u have all the right signals coming from the other side.
my anguish is not over lost love, but over weaklings who cant even stand up for their love. family pressure is understandable but it didnt come up overnight did it? how can you take a stand and then when you are cornered , u break down? i know family matters, i know those alive are more precious than those who died loving u. but r they?
all that makes me hold myself is the fact that at least they died believing their love to be strong. maybe love did have its way, just the one we thought it'll take
Thursday, December 07, 2006
life, or smth like it
the previous post, which i have deleted, got a lot of people on high alert. it made me feel much better, made me feel there are people who care for me in their own sweet ways. thnx buddies! what would i do without u guys?
the perspectives on fighting my ghosts has made me realise that evryone has them, i'm not the only one. kind of makes u feel safe...in a group of similiar shit. shit happen and we all have havta deal with it. somehow its how we deal with it tat makes all the difference.
the complexities of emotions a real study. one moment u're sharing a cuppa coffee and the next ur life...some connections are always there to come up when u most need them
the perspectives on fighting my ghosts has made me realise that evryone has them, i'm not the only one. kind of makes u feel safe...in a group of similiar shit. shit happen and we all have havta deal with it. somehow its how we deal with it tat makes all the difference.
the complexities of emotions a real study. one moment u're sharing a cuppa coffee and the next ur life...some connections are always there to come up when u most need them
Saturday, November 25, 2006
purpose
eventually i'll post smth useful here. i hope to make it my portal of study of the people arnd me n wat i think of situations.
till then
tc
till then
tc
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