Moving on

Lying in my iPod since oct30,2009. Seemed depressingly valid today,
especially now. Needs an edit for the current situation, but
hauntingly precise...

It's wonderful u can move on
Stuck in a time warp am I
An inevitable step lies ahead
Parting of ways breaking a tie.

Moments back this was how I wanted it
A new start free from your presence
When spoke your lips the same words
A void appeared craving your essence.

Twice bitten thrice shy u call me
A meekness behind the facade of strength
Stood by me u have, even though only in my dreams
Now u talk of flying away a great length

Shivani Saksena
sent from my iPod

Sitting on the ledge

It's 1am on a quiet dark night. I'm sitting on the ledge of a small
balcony because I've always to and because tonight I can and because
it's too hot inside and I am not sleepy. The ledge is wide enough to
nicely sit on, long enough to stretch out on and low enough to tempt
me to try n jump down. The last is not quite an option, it would freak
too many people out! So m happy sitting on a cool night, rest my legs,
listen to music and besides seeing the darkness n the moonlight, m
happy while I type this out on my touch.
My life is in a funny phase these past few months. There've been
moments I want respite and moments I crave any form of activity.
There's been too little and too much of excitement. And in one moment
of unthinking stupor and folly I've gone over board n killed my
carefully built reputation. College now scares me. My interviews lined
up have fallen in my trap of complacency. I'm apparently too busy to
be actively involved in any sphere: college, bhai's wedding or even my
own life! It's frustrating what's going on and the more time I get to
think over it, the worse I make it for myself.
I was hoping to cool down my anxiety in the moonlight but looks like
it'll have to be done another day. M at a moment that I clearly want a
rewind button or an assurance. But it's just me, the hidden moon, a
distant lamp post, an empty house, long trees, loads of time for
regret and a folly.
I've been missing the carefree me, even though my regret stems from
it. This is one event of my life no1 beyond college is privy to and I
want to keep it that way. I need a hug and I need one bad. Since m not
getting it any time soon, I sit here wondering. Wondering a whole lot
why's...

Shivani Saksena
sent from my iPod

all over again...

i hate heartbreaks, i hate the fall
just today the sky was pretty
now it's grim
i hate this part, i hate this end
why i let myself fail again and again
i don't understand!
optimism always hurts me
it takes me up on my bubble of imagination
just to crash by the needle of reality
and hit the ground of despair!

The rear view mirror

Driving around the city is an experience that calls for a study. Compared to the satellite towns of NCR that I’ve driven in, Delhi is still much better. I remember driving in Ghaziabad once and while I was there I wasn’t able to comprehend who was crazier...me, for following my driving rules, or the local bunch for being practioners of the chaos theory! It was a freaky road with a bullock cart, bicycles, a Mercedes Benz, a handful of MUVs and a rickety bunch of tempos and buses, all driving and shouting and honking on that two lane road!

What today I want to write on is completely different. It’s about that momentary bond you forge with your fellow drivers while the engine is idling at yet another red light. Someone will be fixing their hair, someone their fag, another will look like boredom were his middle name and another like the wait will kill her. Those with family or co-passengers aren’t making it here because they have a world moving with them on wheels, all I am talking of, are the ones who’re driving alone. At each halt in a traffic crossing and/or a jam, I look around at people. I look at people to figure out what’s driving them and to where. Often a pretty face may catch my eye or a sharp glint of arrogance and challenge in the eye of the guy who I’m standing ahead of; a lecherous look of open interest in my affairs or one of horrified amusement when they catch me singing with the radio!

Oh I do all this when I drive to and from important places and exams because only that’s when I get the car all to myself. Driving alone can be distracting...it requires too much focus for me to do so in absolute silence. That’s where my music comes in! I switch radio channels, I play music from my iPod or I just sing to myself, but I sing. It gives the whole journey a rhythm, a beat, a life! I sing, I groove, I head bang...I basically imagine I’m in NFS and this is my background score!

Talking of rear view mirrors and co-drivers, the instant connection is quite a mood uplifting instrument. Checking the line of cars in the mirror, invariable I zero in on one car and that becomes my partner for the way. It’s like picking a friend who one drives along with and keeps up with! It pushes you if you fall far behind, urges you to slow down if they fall far behind. It’s something I do, I don’t know if people in general do this. I also mentioned a challenge above...that usually happens with jerks of guys who believe a female driver better, faster and ahead of them is a blob on their virility. So they rev up their cars, scowl at you or make explicit expressions, do their best to overtake you and feel some form of exhilaration when they do! More often than not, I let them be. Childish antics don’t require attention, but on days that I’m on the edge myself, they are up for a challenge I’m not willing to lose!

So this post is dedicated to all the “friends” I made in my rear view mirror and all those I’ll make!