My recent classroom sessions on consumer behaviour have been, mildly put, disturbing to me. Why is that? Because for a tweenager who decided she wanted a tattoo, she's no more a normal tweenager.
It's depressing how a tattoo is still synonymous with trying too hard, being a wannabe and with someone who seeks acceptance. Not that I didn't fight these when I first thought of getting a tattoo, convincing my family and all, but somehow now it seems quite heavy a burden to carry.
So why did I do this to myself?
Was I looking for social acceptance of some sort? Absolutely not! I knew then what I am experiencing now...being a social piranha because I have a tattoo.
Was I looking for attention? Again, no. I don't go around flaunting my tattoo and hardly mention it to anyone. I anyway wear jeans and salwars most of the day, so no, no attention.
Was I looking for a special status? A wannabe? That's hard for me to answer. I would be defensive if I said any of that. That's how people judge me and something I cannot control.
Was I being rebellious? Maybe. Some part of me was fascinated, some part of me wanted to try for the novelty. And one part of me wanted it just like I want a nice dress for an occassion-vanity!
So all in all I know I haven't changed. The matrix I build for me, wherein I have my self concept, my ideal self concept, my public self and ideal public self truthfully did not change one bit from the moment I sat down at the tattoo parlour to when I got up with a tattoo on me. But somehow the eyes that followed me did.
What hurt me most is that I had remained immune to all of criticism this long but maybe I am not strong enough to face it alone afterall. I miss being home.
Friday, July 22, 2011
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Monday, July 18, 2011
Friday, July 15, 2011
Water Burial
Three days before her 1st month completion as my pet, Layla breathed her last. Yesterday at 8:3opm, Layla was found dead in the glass bowl that she shared with Rafa.
It took me less than a minute and two knocks on her side of the glass bowl to realise I had lost my very sweet angel fish. My first reaction was to call my friend who'd helped me set up my aquarium and then inform my ex-roomie and now neighbour. Only when she too declared that Layla was dead did the first tears roll down. I had failed as a pet owner. I did not care enough maybe. I didn't see her fall sick. How long had she been dead before I stooped down to play with them? How did she die? Should I keep Raphael now that I had failed with Layla?
Then there was a practical side of me. How do I get Layla out without disturbing Rafa? How will I say my goodbye to Layla? I scampered to get a net n all but even after failed attempts to get it back, my friends sympathies, a forced dinner, informing ma and a few friends, I still wasnt strong enough to scoop out Layla myself. I made my friend do it. I just could stand it...I was tryin too hard not to break down and cry. Everyone was of the opinion that Layla needed a burial but I resisted. One reason was I didn't know where I could bury my fish without ever passing that place again and not missing her. And two, I didn't want her out of the water for some reason. Hence I insisted on a water burial.
Most thought it was cruel to flush down my fishie, but I considered it the best for her. She's anyway in fish heaven and she deserves to leave this avatar of hers in the same medium that was her world-in water.
Layla, I'll miss you. RIP.
It took me less than a minute and two knocks on her side of the glass bowl to realise I had lost my very sweet angel fish. My first reaction was to call my friend who'd helped me set up my aquarium and then inform my ex-roomie and now neighbour. Only when she too declared that Layla was dead did the first tears roll down. I had failed as a pet owner. I did not care enough maybe. I didn't see her fall sick. How long had she been dead before I stooped down to play with them? How did she die? Should I keep Raphael now that I had failed with Layla?
Then there was a practical side of me. How do I get Layla out without disturbing Rafa? How will I say my goodbye to Layla? I scampered to get a net n all but even after failed attempts to get it back, my friends sympathies, a forced dinner, informing ma and a few friends, I still wasnt strong enough to scoop out Layla myself. I made my friend do it. I just could stand it...I was tryin too hard not to break down and cry. Everyone was of the opinion that Layla needed a burial but I resisted. One reason was I didn't know where I could bury my fish without ever passing that place again and not missing her. And two, I didn't want her out of the water for some reason. Hence I insisted on a water burial.
Most thought it was cruel to flush down my fishie, but I considered it the best for her. She's anyway in fish heaven and she deserves to leave this avatar of hers in the same medium that was her world-in water.
Layla, I'll miss you. RIP.
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Me myself and my door
After much deliberation on how to proclaim my room as my room...i have done this.
Do u like it?
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